TTC

Still not pregnant.

Going to start another round of meds soon.

People keep telling me "Practicing is the fun part." I used to believe this, but, it's not true. The "fun part" would be having the baby, or being pregnant. It almost sounds like: "Enjoy sex now while you can, because once you succeed your life is over!" or that having a baby is a bad thing.

Here is another: "If at first you don't succeed, try, try again!"

What I want to hear sounds more like this: "It will happen, in God's timing."

But I suppose that at this point no matter what people tell me, I'll still feel frustrated.

House

We went and talked to the lady that owns the house we want. She doesn't sound very interested in the whole idea. I think she's interested in her head at the idea of not having it to worry about, but in her heart she doesn't want to move. Plus before we could buy it all her projects would need to be finished and I think the task is too daunting for her to imagine it ever completed.

So, on to plan B.

Jason and I will be looking for a different house to buy. It would be so nice to have a bigger place this winter. Winters in this tiny apartment are rough. When we have a disagreement or discussion or just need to be alone, we can't do that. There are no interior walls in our home.

We went to the bank and were pre-approved for a loan. I didn't think we'd get approved. I was certain that we'd have to clean up our credit some. I am hoping that sometime this summer we will be in a new place!!

My Back

Went to see the chiropractor and he adjusted me. Apparently I "twisted" a rib. Funny, I didn't think ribs twisted....

I'm much better. I can move, it still hurts, but not stabbing-shooting-can't breathe, pain.

Aging?

I wrenched my back today and it wasn't my fault. I wasn't even doing anything foolish! All of a sudden it was like "BAM" my back hurts. I called the doc and she ordered me some muscle relaxants. It is better but not up to par!

I hope that this is not a sign of things to come. I find it so hard to believe that I will be 30 at the end of this year!

Feeling Frustrated

Sometimes I really don't like my body.

I just wish that I could get on a normal cycle. I really, really, really thought I ovulated, but maybe I didn't. I'm on like week 6 of my cycle and I've taken 3 prego tests and they are all negative. I just wish that if I wasn't prego that I'd at least bleed. That'd give me a drop of hope that in the future I could get prego.

There is a mom at the daycare I run and she means well, but every week she asks me about my cycle. When I told her that I was on week six she said "I'm buying you a test." I said: "Thanks, but I have one that I'm taking on Sunday and it will be my third." She shut-up. She said that when she wasn't even trying and she'd be late and take a test and it be negative that she'd cry. I told her that I've been crying every third. Which was an improvement from every time.

August will mark a year that we've been trying and that's when we'll get "aggressive" with trying. Also in August Jason will have been at his new job for several months and will be "settled".

*sigh*

On a positive note it looks like (if all goes according to plan--I know, I know I can hear God laughing too) we will be out of debt by no later than the first of June. Including credit cards and Jason's college bill (he went for a WHOLE month! lol before deciding that college was not for him).

I'm hanging in there and remembering that God's got the whole world in his hands!

Hormonal

I must be going to have my period soon because I am so moody. I am not very adaptable at this moment and all I really want to do is kill something or break something or just break down in tears.........

Being a woman sometimes really sucks.

There was something I wanted to say...

I got on here with a "purpose" but now I don't remember what it was. I know there was something I wanted to say but for the life of me I can't remember what it was....

Oh, there is this:

The car broke.
But God had things worked out in an odd way, so I don't know why we were worried.

It broke LAST Wednesday (on a day it was dark and stormy--I kid you not) but we managed to limp home and then get it to the Car Doc. Called the Car Doc on Thursday.

Jason leaves a message at the Car Doc on Wednesday: "I dropped my car off. We've been having troubles with it overheating, we think the thermostat might be shot. Could you look at it and call me back."

Thursday morning after Jason has called them (Why are they like that at the Car Doc?)

• Doc: "Your radiator is shot. And the one you need has to be special ordered because you have a limited edition vehicle and they only made parts for your vehicle for TWO MONTHS so it will be 4 times as much as normal"

(Gee thanks)

• Me: "Um. Well. We don't have the money until my husband gets paid next Thursday."
• Car Doc: "I don't do credit."
• Me thinking: Great now what?

So Jason and I borrow $300 from his parents in hopes that the car will be ready by Monday. Because, if not for bad luck I'd have no luck at all, the Car Doc is closed on Friday anyway so we'll have to wait until Monday anyway.

Monday & Tuesday Car Doc says: "Part is not in" (which is a lie because later we find out that they had the part but some bozo dropped the NEW radiator and BROKE it!!!! So then they had to get another one!)

Wednesday finally the car part arrives around lunch time and they tell us that it will be ready by closing.

Jason and I get to the Car Doc at 5:25 (after closing to see if it is waiting for us in the yard). And yay it's there ready! Jason pays the bill. The Car Doc fires up the car in hopes of getting the coolant to flush through the system. I am turning the car around as I see Jason walking towards me and I can tell by the way he is walking that he is NOT happy.

• Jason: "Ya, so when I asked them to look at the car I thought they'd LOOK at the car. Ya. The thermostat is gone."
• Me thinking: Hmmm. Tomorrow is Pay day. We didn't even need to have bothered to borrow money because the car was never going to be ready before Thursday anyway. Cool.

See, God DOES have a plan we just can't ever see it!

*sigh*

If all goes according to plan the car will be ready tomorrow.
And yes, the radiator really did need to be replaced, it had a hole in it.

That wasn't what I was going to tell you, maybe I'll remember it later.

Not a good night

I learned today that one of my friends is 7 weeks pregnant.

It has put me in such a slump.

I was doing good.

I know that God has good plans for us and that His timing is so much better than mine. In fact not being pregnant is probably a good thing right now because the jail is shutting down in July 1st which means that Jason is out of a job and we are with out benefits. My head is so on top of this not being pregnant is a good thing.

My heart though hurts so much!
I keep telling God that I can't take much more of this, but He seems to think different. Who am I to argue?

It still hurts....

Is it Really a Compliment?

Is it really a compliment if it contains the word 'but'?

I like your drawing, but why is it so grey?

I like you car, but didn't the dealer offer to wash it?

I like your new hair cut, but I liked it the way you got it cut last time better.
It's not that I don't like getting the information. I'm glad to know that this hair cut isn't one he'd like to see again. I just wished he had chosen a different time to tell me that.

I think God should have given men better skills at dealing with women. I don't like this training/teaching/whipping (whatever you want to call it) part. I teach/train/whip children all day long. I'd like at least one relationship to be easy!

Moody

I've been feeling moody lately. Just a little up and down all with in the same moment.

I'm on day 38 of my cycle with no period in sight and I think that has something to do with it.

Ugh, What a Day

This blog contains the words: Poop & vomit. If such things are an offense to you, don't read.
*don't say I didn't warn you*

Izzy the dog has been sick. It started out with stinky gas, like really bad gas and I assumed (how silly of me) that that was where it would end. Then one night she farted while pooping and I heard it ooze to the ground. In the meantime Vinnie the dog has been hacking up mucus and grass (yes I know TMI you can skip this blog entry if you need to, I will understand). I thought (also wrongly) that it was nothing and would pass. *sigh* Last night as I was putting Vinnie to bed in his crate (a cat carrying thing) he wouldn't go in, he sort of sniffed and backed out. I got out the flashlight to take a peek and lo and behold he had vomited the night before in his bed. It was too late for me to clean it up so I threw the soiled stuff in the bathroom to clean in the morning.

Morning arrived. I got up to do my normal routine and clean up the vomit bedding so I could wash it. Not a big deal in the grand scheme of things, it didn't even smell all that bad. I went about my day until around 1pm when I realized I needed my knitting for while the kids slept. I came over to my apartment and was greeted by the worse poop smell on the planet.

Izzy walked up to me low to the ground, apologizing for her mistake. She had diarrhea on my floor. Not in the kitchen where it would be easy to clean. Oh, no, on my RUG! Have you ever tried to clean poop off a rug? How about liquid poop?

I almost threw up. Then, when I was at my mom's getting supplies I almost threw up over there and I couldn't even smell or see it! I told her, "I don't know what I will do when my kids are sick, I just can't handle the mess."

Back at my apartment I practiced the ancient art of breathing through my mouth in order to avoid a foul smell. I found that if I did not look directly at the mess, sort of saw it out of the corner of my eye, the gagging was a lot less.

I did the best I could with what I had, then ran to Wal-Mart to get the most expensive rug cleaner I could find. I also bought some strong candles to help, because even though the poop is gone, the stench remains.

Dreaming Still

My dreams enjoy torturing me.

Last night I dreamt (twice) that I had taken a home pregnancy test and it was positive. I don't remember the first dream, but the second one all I can remember is my parents reaction. They both gave me gigantic hugs and the hugs felt so good! I almost cried when I woke up and realized that those hugs had never happened. I wasn't upset that I woke up and wasn't pregnant, but that I had really felt those hugs. Weird.

Jason is working nights. I really hate it when he works nights. I feel so lonely with out him to talk to. That and the bed is too big.

I took my first at home pregnancy test (hence the dreams) and it was negative. I had a really weird period and I thought I might be pregnant. Probably though it was weird because of going to the hospital the stress and all that.

This month marks the first month of Jason and I "officially" trying to get pregnant. I really, really, really, really hope that I don't have to use drugs to get preggo and it will just happen!

Argh

I know I'm not pregnant. I want to be, but I'm not.

I'm taking a test tomorrow.

I'll keep you posted.

Chinese Men?

I dreamt lastnight that I saw a Chinese man pregnant.

Frustrated

My body is playing tricks on me. I am supposed to be having my period. I did have a smudge on Tues and Weds and now nothing. Argh. Not even a spot. Now, as of Sunday I wasn't prego, they did a test and didn't say I was so I'm not. But it really messes with my head!

Annoyed

I hate all my meds, but for the next 10 days I need them. Argh. This is my crazy med schedual.

• 6am Levox (thyroid)
• 715 Sucral (new med)
• 815 Eat
• 845 Pepcid (new med)
• 945 Lidocained (new med)
• 1030 Sucral
• 1130 Eat
• 1230 Metformin & vitamins (which are supposed to be eaten with food, but i can't because I have to wait 2 hrs after taking the Sucral so that they can be absorbed into my stomach, because the Sucral doesn't let much pass it as it coats the lining of my tummy!)
• 130pm Lidocaine (this really ought to be taken directly after a meal as it is a numbing agent-liquid form-and anti-acid, but again I can't because I have other pills I need to take!
• 530 Sucral
• 630 Eat
• 730 Metformin
• 800 Pepcid (which is too early but I don't want to wait too long before I take my pain killer....)
• 900 Lidocaine
• Bedtime cough meds (Yes I have a prescription for that too)

However, all my annoyances aside I am happy that there are meds out there to help. Ugh.

So this is what WebMD has to say about Gastritis, which is one of the options of what I have. I am calling my doctor today to find out how this happened...

• Digestive Diseases: Gastritis
  Gastritis is an inflammation, irritation or erosion of the lining of the stomach. It can occur suddenly (acute) or gradually (chronic).
  What Causes Gastritis?
  Gastritis can be caused by irritation due to excessive alcohol use, chronic vomiting, stress or the use of certain medications such as aspirin or other anti-inflammatory drugs. It may also be caused by any of the following:
  Helicobacter pylori (H. pylori): A bacteria that lives in the mucous lining of the stomach. Without treatment the infection can lead to ulcers, and in some people, stomach cancer.
  Pernicious anemia: A form of anemia that occurs when the stomach lacks a naturally occurring substance needed to properly absorb and digest vitamin B12.
  Bile reflux: A backflow of bile into the stomach from the bile tract (that connects to the liver and gallbladder).
  Infections caused by bacteria and viruses
  If gastritis is left untreated, it can lead to a severe loss in blood, or in some cases increase the risk of developing stomach cancer.

And here is what they say about Peptic Ulcers which is the other options.

• Peptic Ulcer Disease - Topic Overview
  
  
  What is a peptic ulcer?
  A peptic ulcer is a sore in the inner lining of the stomach or upper small intestine (duodenum). Ulcers develop when the intestine or stomach's protective layer is broken down. When this happens, digestive juices can damage the intestine or stomach tissue. These strong juices, which contain hydrochloric acid and an enzyme called pepsin, also can injure the esophagus. The esophagus is the tube that leads from your throat to your stomach.
  Peptic ulcers are no longer a condition that most people have to live with their entire lives. Treatment cures most ulcers, and symptoms go away quickly.
  Peptic ulcers that form in the stomach are called gastric ulcers. Those that form in the upper small intestine are called duodenal (say "doo-uh-DEE-nul" or "doo-AW-duh-nul") ulcers.

Stupid Pills

I hate. HATE the birthcontrol pills I am on. My body thinks it's time for my menstration, but it's not. I have a week and a day of pill left that have the medicine in it!!! Stupid pills! I will be so happy to be off them!

Our Story Begins

Jason and I were married May 31, 2008. I have always wanted children and even before we married we discussed children: when to have them, how many, what to call them, and how to raise them. Logic told me that we ought to wait a year to even think about kids (so we could get used to being hubby & wife) but at 28 (almost 29) my clock is ticking.

Recently we decided to quicken the pace and start trying sooner. Due to my PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrom) I don't ovulate. No egg no baby. I went to my doctor and she started me on a drug that my doc said should jump start the egg dropping process, but I have to be on it for 6 months! The other day I was feeling a bit depressed about having to wait and then maybe not even having a baby so I went on line to see what I could find.

What I found gave me hope. I found a slew of other women with PCOS that have gotten pregnant, with out this fourth drug that I'm taking (yes I'm on four pills right now!) so tomorrow (sept 2) I'm going to give my doc a call and see if I can stop taking this 6 month pill and go straight to the baby making!

For the first time since I was diagnosed with PCOS (at age 14) I have hope of concieving. I've been pretty hopeless lately. I cry alot. Especially when my friends or family call me with news that so-and-so is pregnant. I even find it hard to hold a newborn, because in the back of my mind I have had this thought that I'll never have one of my own. But, like I said I have hope.