Round 5 with Clomid

Taking an ovulation predictor kit this time around.

Maybe I'll ovulate?

The Joys of a House

We have been living in our new house for a little over two months.

Here is a few things I have learned.

1. Oil is expensive

2. Turning down the hot water tank will save on propane

3. 60 people will fit in my house

4. There is no insulation in the walls

5. The neighbor is friendly enough to pick me up off the side of the street and take me home when I am broken down

6. The pellet stove won't quite heat the whole house.

7. Buying pellets for the stove cost 1/2 as much as oil.

8. I can live and be happy in a chilly house

9. I love having a house

10. The power company charges you twice for electricity!

We will be going to Bermuda on a cruise in April! Jason's mother bought us all (there are 7 of us) cruise tickets! Can't wait!

No news on the baby front. We'll be going to the next dose of Clomid soon. After these next two rounds if I'm not pregnant then we will be saving up some pennies for some tests...

Round 4 with Clomid

I'm feeling a little frustrated. I'm feeling a little worried that it's not going to work. I'm worried that if the clomid doesn't work that we won't be able to afford other treatments.

Pregnant?

I think I'm seeing a pregnant "sign" ...

 So far no positive pregnancy tests yet. I'm going to try again in the morning and if it's still negative I'm calling the dr to get a blood test done.

Very frustrated right now.

If not this month then next, right?

Maybe it Worked?

I have a good feeling about this month.

We'll see.

I took a test this morning, but it was negative, but I'm most likely too early anyway. I had a random vomiting episode very early Wednesday night and it seems like I can't eat dairy or tomato's anymore... maybe someone is screwing with my system?

Clomid Round 3

I had a period this month, with out taking period pills, it was very exciting!

I started round 3 with a little more hope than the past rounds. My dose is twice as much as before and so far I've only had one day when I was really crabby because of it. I was also a bit nauseous too from the meds, but otherwise I've been doing great.

The house buying is an uphill battle. We are so close and yet so far! The cesspool needs an inspection and that will be on Tuesday then a survey of the land needs to be done. We are hoping to be in the new house before Thanksgiving which so happens to be my birthday!

Round 2 with Clomid

Started taking Clomid again today. I'm going to try and be real dilligent about taking it at the same time every day. I'm shooting for noon when I take my other pills.

House

Jason and I think we've found a house! If all goes well the closing date is Oct 28th!

TTC

Still not pregnant.

Going to start another round of meds soon.

People keep telling me "Practicing is the fun part." I used to believe this, but, it's not true. The "fun part" would be having the baby, or being pregnant. It almost sounds like: "Enjoy sex now while you can, because once you succeed your life is over!" or that having a baby is a bad thing.

Here is another: "If at first you don't succeed, try, try again!"

What I want to hear sounds more like this: "It will happen, in God's timing."

But I suppose that at this point no matter what people tell me, I'll still feel frustrated.

Multiple Briths with Clomid

So I just did some research on Clomid and this is what I came up with..

The frequency of twins occurring in women who conceive while taking clomiphene or letrozole has been reported to be as high as 10%. Triplets may occur as frequently as 1 in 400 births, and quadruplets in 1 in 800 births.

Jason is almost excited as I am to be seriously trying now. While we were on vacation he looked at my cousins baby and said "I want one more now."

"More than before?"

"Yes," he answered.

"Why?"

"I saw J with his daughter and I want that."

I smiled, "Good."

He is going to be a good Dad. Despite what he thinks. Today I sort of tossed one of the daycare infants who happened to be eating a bottle at the time at him and had him feed the kid. He was bewildered, but he handle himself and the baby just fine. I'm so proud of him. I love him so very much!

The Hamlins went to the Dr and the Dr Said..

Thursday was our first visit to the fertility doc in our area. All I wanted out of her was Clomid because everything I've been reading has told me that the "magic" formula is progesterone (to have a period), clomid (to make eggs), and Metformin to "hedge the bet". The problem was only a fertility doc can write scripts for Clomid and so we have been waiting and waiting and waiting.

But the wait is over. We now have clomid.

I'll keep you posted as to how it will effect me. I have heard some horror stories of the emotional roller coaster it puts you on :( . Oh, and here are the super fun side effects...

hot flashes

nausea

vomiting

breast tenderness

dizziness

lightheadedness

headache

or

mood changes

Oh, and did I forget to tell you??

Using this medicine may result in multiple pregnancy (twins, etc.)

Today I was texting my cousin who has traveled this road before to find out that it wasn't possible for her and her hubby to have kids (they both have issues) and said that triplets are more common than twins. I'm going to check this out tonight. I don't want three at a time!!

3, 2, or 1 I'll take what God will give me!

Update

Dieting:

So the eating style is coming around good. I haven't weighed myself yet so I don't know what my starting weight even is! I plan on doing that tomorrow. My mom was telling me that she can't eat carbs because of the "let down" when the carbs/sugar leaves the system. I believed her but didn't think much of it.

Last week I ate a steak bomb which was surrounded in bread and smothered in cheese. That night I was very cranky. I don't eat carbs anymore because of what it does to me. That make "dieting" much easier.

I put a bag of almonds by the computer so I would snack on them insted of junk food like chips or prezles or cereal. That is helping too because I get full. Jason has been really great about getting on board with this eating plan. He has been very supportive!

Debt:

Instead of getting out of debt, Jason and I decided to buy a car. *lol* However, the loan in 3.38% for 2.5 years so as far as loans go itsn't not horrible.

The new car is a 2005 Chevy Impala and I LOVE it! It drives and rides like a dream!

TTC:

I just found out that a couple who were married on the same day as us are pregnant. That makes the count 4. Jason and I are holding off on testing or anything because I just can't take it anymore. I need a break. August will make a year and then we will be calling a Doc.

Weight

For a long time I have known that my fertility issues could and probably are linked to my weight issues. I have been lost though where to start. Do I try a gimmick to loose the weight only to bounce back into a bad weight once I got preggo? Do I try a fad diet or a service like Jenny Craig?

We all know that the key to loosing weight and keeping it off is to have good eating habits and exercise. In both categories I lack, big time.

However, I really want to get preggo and we are coming up on a year here....

My mom has started a new "eating style" (not a diet, I refuse to call it as such). That she got out of a book she got from a friend. I can't remember the name perhaps something like "The Paleo Diet". Paleo refers to prehistoric man and how they ate (yes, we laugh all the time about it to). There is this bunch of nonsense about monkeys deciding to eat meat and became man....yada yada yada. The gist is this. Grains as we know them today are not all that great for us. Back before we refined all the goodness out of them and they were these hard crusty things they might have been all right, but as we eat them today not so good. (I am paraphrasing off of what Mom has told me, I haven't read the book)

What we should be eating is lean meats, fish, and fresh fruits & veggies. No starches, no potatoes (though I don't quite understand why Paleo Man didn't have potatoes), no bread, no cereal, no dairy, you get the idea.

But the stuff you can have, you can have all you want. If you want to sit down to a meal of 3 pork chops and a bowl of strawberries then go for it! There is no starving yourself, no counting anything, no growling tummy at 3am in the morning.

My mom, my dad, my sister, and my brother have all lost inches on this "eating style". When Ben showed me that his pants were too big that sold me on it. Jason and I are now going to try to eat this way.

We'll see how it goes.

I'll keep you posted.

Feeling Frustrated

Sometimes I really don't like my body.

I just wish that I could get on a normal cycle. I really, really, really thought I ovulated, but maybe I didn't. I'm on like week 6 of my cycle and I've taken 3 prego tests and they are all negative. I just wish that if I wasn't prego that I'd at least bleed. That'd give me a drop of hope that in the future I could get prego.

There is a mom at the daycare I run and she means well, but every week she asks me about my cycle. When I told her that I was on week six she said "I'm buying you a test." I said: "Thanks, but I have one that I'm taking on Sunday and it will be my third." She shut-up. She said that when she wasn't even trying and she'd be late and take a test and it be negative that she'd cry. I told her that I've been crying every third. Which was an improvement from every time.

August will mark a year that we've been trying and that's when we'll get "aggressive" with trying. Also in August Jason will have been at his new job for several months and will be "settled".

*sigh*

On a positive note it looks like (if all goes according to plan--I know, I know I can hear God laughing too) we will be out of debt by no later than the first of June. Including credit cards and Jason's college bill (he went for a WHOLE month! lol before deciding that college was not for him).

I'm hanging in there and remembering that God's got the whole world in his hands!

Getting Ahead of Myself

I know that I am just getting geared up to be sad but...

Pretty certain that on the 12th I ovulated (if the amazing pain I felt in my uterus area was what that was) and today the 19th I'm all crampy which could be nesting....

so I'm excited for the 28th when I can test...

I know that most likely I'm not prego, but, I'm still hopeful.....

Might have Ovulated

Jason and I had agreed to not "aggressively try" for the next few months until he knows what is going on with his job. BUT. I think I've ovulated so I want to chart it so bad to see when to test (I'm going to test at the end of the month anyway)...I'm just super excited. Excited that here is the first "real" chance we have had to get pregnant and excited that my body could possibly be on board with this whole menstral cylce thing! Yea!

The friend that was recently pregnant told me today that they went for an ultrasound and there was no heartbeat :( She sounds pretty upbeat, more upbeat than I would be, but it wasn't all that recent so maybe she's gone through her grieving proccess. Poor girl.

Not a good night again

I'm just wondering how long it will take before I stop sounding like a broken record.
Will the pain ever get easier? Will my heart ever hurt less?

I just found out that my best friend is pregnant. I know this is not nice, but out of all the people I know she and her hubby are in the worst position to have a baby. What is God thinking?!?!?

My head is totally in the game and totally understands that everything is in God's control and in His plan and He has the right ideas about things. He can see the big picture and right now in His big picture me being pregnant is not in the cards. It's not the right time according to Him. I know He knows what is best for me and Jason, I get that.

Me of all people know that sometimes waiting is better. I had to wait ten years for my hubby, because he wasn't legal to marry when I thought I was ready to marry. :)

I'm just sort of stuck on this: "Why not God, why not?"

So my question is, will this ever get easier? Will it ever get easier when I hear someone is pregnant? Will I ever not hate them when I hear their good news? Will I ever not have to mask my first thoughts when I hear: "I'm pregnant!"? How long will it take me to get there? My heart can only take so much.

BTW the fall baby count is 2.

Not TTC

There is a possibility that Jason is going to loose his job sometime after July. The detention center he is working in is turning into a 72 hr holding facility starting July 1, 2009. Well, they are going to start turning it into one on July 1, 2009 so who knows how long he will keep his job? It will take at least a couple of months to switch it over so he might be able to keep his job until fall or winter.

Because of the uncertainty we are holding off on "aggressive" getting pregnant. Which means that I will not be calling any fertility doctors or trying to see a gyno so that I can be put on clomid. Also means no charting or doing any OPK's. It does not mean though that I am going to be put on birth control.

In the words of my hubby we'll be "just practicing". :)

Not a good night

I learned today that one of my friends is 7 weeks pregnant.

It has put me in such a slump.

I was doing good.

I know that God has good plans for us and that His timing is so much better than mine. In fact not being pregnant is probably a good thing right now because the jail is shutting down in July 1st which means that Jason is out of a job and we are with out benefits. My head is so on top of this not being pregnant is a good thing.

My heart though hurts so much!
I keep telling God that I can't take much more of this, but He seems to think different. Who am I to argue?

It still hurts....

TTC

Did it, finally. I called the Dr today and I am being put back on some meds.

Keep your fingers crossed!

Pregnancy Testing....

Sunday I will take test #4 since passing the one month mark since my last period. I know what I should be doing (calling my doctor) but I'm not sure what is going on in my head as to why I am not...

I had a long "talking to" by a former boss (the Dr. in Boston I used to work for) about TTC and she told me I needed to get serious about it if I was serious about getting pregnant. She told me that there is an "algorithm" for people like me to get pregnant and how I should be tapping into this "algorithm" (she kept using that word and all I could think of was NUMB3RS and how me getting pregnant has nothing to do about math which led to the thought of how much I just really wanted her to shut up...but I digress....) and she was worried that I might not really be ready to be a parent and is Jason ready to be a parent and do we have enough space/money/time/ect to have a baby.

*SIGH*

She put me in a funk and I know I shouldn't let her do that. I give the words power.

I don't know why I haven't called my Dr to ask "what is next". I thought I might this week. I just really, really, really want to get prego on my own & I think that is my problem. I want there to be no problem. I want a miracle. I want to not be broken. So I guess I am rebelling. Which is stupid. I just need to grow up or something...

Or maybe I'm not ready. Maybe I need more time.

I say that, but the not being pregnant, the not knowing kills me. Sometimes I don't cry when I hear about another pregnancy, sometimes though I cry for an hour when I hear someone's happy & lucky news, sometimes I cry when I get another negative test, and sometimes I'm fine.

I'm not strong enough to have infertility. Sometimes I feel as if I make break in half and fall into a million pieces like a dropped glass on a stone floor. I just don't want to be that sad woman with no kids who looks with longing and hatred at all the other mothers as she seethes with jealousy and yet glows with their happiness. I've seen them around in churches and in other places you might find children and I don't want to be her. I have this fear that if we go to the drs and they tell us there is no hope that I will become bitter which will be hard in my profession, but I'm putting the horse before the cart and that does no one any good.

I'm just scared. So scared.

I've fallen away a bit from God lately and I'm trying to get back in the groove of things and I know that will help me with my fear. He promised me a child. He didn't tell me how or when, but he promised me one.

I try to remember that promise and remind myself that even if Jason and I can't concieve that we can adopt. I WILL have a child to love of my own, I just might be really old before we get there.

So pray for me. On Monday I am going to call my doctor to get to the next step. Email me on Tuesday and see if I followed through.